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Chip N' Kerry

Sen. Kerry denies cosmetic surgery

5/26/04
Senator Kerry was surprised by reporters late this tuesday night while apparantly privately campaigning on Moshop Beach just off Martha's Vineyard. This would mark the first time since Mr. Kerry's latest shoulder operation that the public has seen him without his trademark blue collared shirt and working class tie. When questioned whether he had any sort of plastic surgery while under the knife, he replied: "I've never heard of it." He continued, "If you don't think this upcoming election is about strength and leadership, then you haven't seen my muscles yet." When further questioned on his physique, Mr. Kerry flexed, "Obviously you didn't follow the California gubenatorial race." Later, while posing for photos, he added: "When I'm elected in November, every American will feel the burn-- this I promise you."

Kerry's Balancing Act

5/20//04
After more than two hours of intense concentration, Senator Kerry invigorated the local crowd of Stuntsville Elementary School when finally, after hours of careful calculation, he elevated himself taller than he's ever reportedly been. "Obviously this stool was helpful in achieving my noble effort-- achieving personal heights I have yet again to surpass, but the real question is, how can we all reach these lofty ideals without the support of the international community?" he boldly declared. "Stools for each and every American, lifting them higher than ever before imagined. This is my promise, I promise you." he later added. When later pressed on the issue, Mr. Kerry firmly expounded: "When I'm in the Whitehouse, everyone will get a piece of my stool-- that I promise you."

Invisi Baby

Kerry finds invisible baby

5/05/04
Under a pile of old newspapers, Sen. John Kerry awed reporters yesterday as he uncovered an unusually heavy invisible baby and held it up to the gathering crowd. "Under my administration," Kerry said later, "free ketchup for all my invisible friends."

New Kerry Campaign Ideas

4/04/04
Hundreds of supporters across the country are now embarked on a national awareness campaign to encourage voters and John Kerry supporters to supplement their daily diets with a few squirts of Heinz Tomato Ketchup. "Each squeeze of the ketchup bottle gives John Kerry the support he needs to take our fight to the White House," said one ketchup stained advocate. The Heinz Company has noted recently that there is enough ketchup currently in production to keep up with demand through November. Rob, pictured here, has made his ketchup consumption a daily ritual-- squeezing his part in the fight to 'take back this country.' "However you feel about the high sodium content and sugar additives found in every teaspoon of Heinz Ketchup," Rob added, "Realize that every squirt into your mouth is a step out the door for George Bush, and this is the most important thing in my life." When reached for comment, Kerry responded to this new tomato-activism with brisk encouragement. "Not only will your efforts bear fruit in the upcoming election, we can do it together using prepackaged tomato paste," Kerry said. He later went on to say that "Every mouthful of Heinz Ketchup gets this country's migrant worker closer to universal health care and late term abortions."

More later...

More developments to follow...

 

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